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I lost contact with my daughter many years ago.
Now I would like to try to reconnect with her.

„What can I do?“ was the question of a father. It is similar to questions asked by many separated parents. 

Many of these abandoned parents cannot understand what has happened. Instead, they feel that fate has mistreated them. 

They often blame the other parent for their painful situation. 

If parents who separate as lovers do not manage to continue their role as parents together, they bring their children into an unsolvable conflict of loyalty. The children are forced to take sides. 

The only solution for children whose parents do not resolve the problem by continuing as parents is for them to deny the existence of a parent and cut off contact. 

That is an emergency measure that makes the children’s life bearable. 

When the children grow up, and they manage to develop out of the residual parental home, which is healthy and normal, there is a possibility that they will again face both parents as adults. 

They can now, and only now, free themselves from the predicament between mother and father by maintaining contact with one of the two separately. The other parent is excluded from this contact. 

Freed from the sickening triad (triangle relationship) during the time of their parent’s divorce, they now can have two healthy two-part relationships.

Now they can maintain these relationships with both parents (separately!) according to their own free decision. 

What does this mean for the father who asks, „What can I do to regain contact?“ 

First, he must be patient until his daughter grows up not to put pressure on the child. During this long waiting period, I advise that he send periodic contact signals (birthday and holiday greetings). That is true even if there is no response. 

If he observes that his daughter leaves the „nest“, I recommend that he communicates his contact wishes to his daughter so that it is easy for her to ignore them for the time being. A handwritten letter is an excellent way to do this. 

Experience shows that children of divorce grow up wanting to know more about the kind of person their father is. 

In this phase, many mothers and fathers have taken advantage of my advice to consider their steps in the counselling session carefully. 

In my experience, this pays off. Hasty actions and panic reactions are almost certainly avoided. I can also help keep the relationship with the other parent out of the process. 

If requested, I am also happy to do a family session with the growing child and father or mother. 

I have often experienced that the wishes for contact were then satisfied.


If you feel addressed by this post and would like to talk about it,
then write me a note here on LinkedIn
or give me a call: +49 6703 960 830.